Sexuality and Aging Today Blog

Being Bisexual

Melanie — Wed, 16 May 2012 00:17:15 +0000

by Terri Clark, MPH, CHES
Originally published in Philadelphia Gay News, 3-12
“Old age is not for sissies,” said Bette Davis. If that is the case, and many believe it to be, then aging bisexuals are truly courageous.
Bisexuals (young and old) have been underrepresented in research, media and the arts. For the most part, we are merged into the discussions of gay and lesbian aging. Issues confronting older lesbians and gay men do overlap with the experiences of older people who are bisexual, but only partially. Our aging services and community providers have bisexuals accessing services even if they don’t realize it.
Bisexuals exist both as seniors and as caregivers of elderly parents: They also function as spouses, partners, parents, siblings, daughters and sons in their biological and logical families.
Of significant importance is that bisexuals are rarely seen, and there is little to no room for bisexuality within the older generation. When a bisexual falls in love, he or she sometimes begins to identify (publicly or privately) as lesbian, gay or hetero and thus becomes invisible as a bisexual aging person. For example, a woman with a male partner is presumed to be straight; if with a female partner, assumed to be lesbian; a woman or man alone, probably heterosexual. If she or he is in a “gay venue,” they are probably presumed to be gay, rather than bisexual. What behaviors would I, as an aging bisexual, have to engage in for other people to see me as bisexual? Should I walk into the room with a man and a woman on each arm? Should I have multiple partners? Maybe I could leave one partner for one of a different gender? (Interestingly, in this scenario people still might not read me as bisexual, but rather as having finally “finished” coming out or “gone straight.” Or, as in my case, “having gone to the other side.”)
Visibility is priceless. Older people are presumed to lose both sexual interest and sexual functioning as they age. They are often perceived as inappropriate, senile and “dirty” (i.e., “dirty old men”) when they express their sexuality. Differences in sexual orientation are ignored entirely, and bisexual, gay or lesbian seniors may be driven underground and silenced. The pervasive invisibility of bisexuality has given us few or no role models, let alone an identity for who we are.
The term bisexuality was not fully embraced until the gay-rights movement was well underway and bisexuals were coming out as part of the pride movement. Many seniors have never heard the word bisexual. Everyone now over 50 became an adult when the American Psychiatric Association still listed homosexuality as a mental illness. The APA never officially classified or declassified bisexuality.
Aging bisexuals often face a “double whammy”: society’s ageism and homophobia/biphobia — from both hetero and non-hetero individuals. Seniors who chose marriage and family during their younger years may be reconsidering their options and now identifying as bisexual. Others who have lived as lesbians or gay men may want to explore other-sex attractions that they never lost or have rediscovered. In our own queer community, many gays and lesbians have a reputation for cutting off women and men who “go to the other side.” Non-gay folks often reject bisexual seniors as “fence sitters” or for using heterosexual privilege and “passing” when convenient. In truth, to “pass” for straight and to have to deny your bisexuality is as painful as it is for gay, lesbian and transgender seniors to have to live in (or go back into) the closet.
Along with affirming our own bisexuality, our LGBT community can affirm us in the followings ways (adapted from the Bisexual Resource Center):

Believe that I exist — bisexuality is a valid sexual orientation.
Don’t try and talk me into redefining my identity into something more comfortable for you.
Celebrate bisexual culture — we have a long, rich history and many daring voices who have expressed love beyond the monosexual confines.
Ask me, if appropriate, about my other-sex relationships and my same-sex relationships — bisexuals live our lives in multiple ways. Some of us would like to talk about our relationships without feeling judged.
Speak up when bisexual people are being excluded or defamed. Our silence speaks loudly.

Senior Sex and Sexuality

Melanie — Mon, 14 May 2012 15:18:50 +0000

by Terri Clark, MPH, CHES
As published in the Philadelphia Gay News, 12-11.

Closeness, intimacy and touch are lifelong needs that do not get old, even when we do. We may be graying but our sexuality evolves and changes over our life cycle.
There are many facets of senior sex and sexuality. One can think of sex as what happens below the waist, and in between the legs (behaviors) vs. sexuality. Sex is also what happens above the waist in our heads and our hearts. Sexuality includes everything about us as human beings: our gender identity and expression, our need for touch/intimacy and our thoughts, feelings and values.
In talking about senior sex, it is important to address our sex behaviors. We need to talk about risk-reduction measures such as using condoms, not forgetting the lube, body positioning, playing with sex toys, etc. Remember, too, that age is not a factor for STI/HIV prevention.
Not to be overlooked in any discussion of senior sex is how our aging bodies physically change: weaker and/or shorter erections, drying vaginas, lower libidos and sagging boobs and bellies. However, in discussions with LGBT elders, what they most often talk about is intimacy, tenderness and touch.
The need for intimacy is ageless. We never outgrow our need for affection, emotional closeness and intimacy — sometimes referred to as “skin hunger.” Aging changes our perspectives on sex and sexuality. Often we can take the pressure off by putting aside our old ideas of what sex “should be.” Instead, we focus on the importance of tenderness and contact. When we do have sex, those encounters can be less “performance oriented.” As we age, our desire for sex may diminish, but our need for caring, comforting and intimate touch is as strong as ever. Even if you (or your partner) are ill or have physical disabilities, you can engage in intimate acts and benefit from closeness with another person.

Old and gay shouldn’t equal old and lonely.
LGBT elders may enjoy intimacy through coupled relationships as well as friendships. Some LGBT couples/singles may have a high degree of compatibility and mutual understanding. Other factors that may contribute to intimacy include emotional fidelity and sexual flexibility. That flexibility extends to sex roles, sexual role-play and roles within our relationships.
Intimacy for LGBT elders can mean companionship, affection and enduring tenderness and concern.
For some LGBT people, romance and intimacy may begin at 50 or 60 (or later). Many of us were closeted or married for much of our lives. Some waited until their family was grown, after divorce or the death of their spouse before coming out. For them, expressing intimacy in a long-awaited relationship is alive and well.
As you find yourself embracing your older identity, you can:

Communicate. Share what makes you feel good with your partner(s) and share the aging changes you are both facing.
Slow down. You and your partner(s) may need to spend more time touching. Sexual arousal takes longer and requires more manual stimulation. Do not underestimate masturbation: It can be extremely satisfying.
Use your sensory skills. Explore all the tactile, visual, auditory and even olfactory aspects of being intimate.
Play with the mood. Set the stage for a special experience. Experiment with lighting, music, candles, oils, perfumes and incense. Try a new place.
Reap the benefits of experience. The independence and self-confidence that come with age can be very attractive to your partner or potential partners. No matter your gender, you may feel better about your body at 72 than you did at 22. And, it is likely that you now know more about yourself and what makes you excited and happy. If you can accept aging as natural, you’ll not only feel better, you’ll also be more attractive to others. Confidence and honesty can be sexy and appealing.

We have made some progress since the 1960s in preventing older LGBT folks from facing the double stereotypes of gay and aging as they explore relationships, living arrangements and long-term health-care options. However, prejudice and shortsightedness still exist. There is still much work to do to educate society about LGBT elders and the fact that sexuality lasts throughout our lives.

Peggy Brick Named AASECT Sexuality Educator of the Year!

Melanie — Sat, 12 May 2012 22:38:18 +0000

We couldn’t be more pleased to announce that Consortium founder and past president Peggy Brick has been named the 2012 AASECT Sexuality Educator of the Year Award. AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, is an international professional organization, and this is a tremendous recognition of Peggy’s lifelong commitment to sexuality education and rights.
Peggy has been a sexuality educator for over 40 years, currently working as a consultant specializing in sexuality in mid and later life. She is co-author of Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter: 30 Sex Ed Lessons for Adults Only (2009) and New Expectations: Sexuality Education for Mid- and Later Life (2003). She is also the author and co-author of many curricula addressing sexuality throughout the lifespan.
She is an AASECT-Certified Sexuality Educator who has received numerous awards for her leadership in the field of human sexuality, and she has trained thousands of educators and health care professionals across the nation.

Joan Price Wins AASECT Book Award for 2012!

Melanie — Fri, 11 May 2012 19:28:25 +0000

We are very proud of Consortium member Joan Price, whose book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, earned the 2012 AASECT Book Award. AASECT is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, and the award is very prestigious.
Earlier this year, the book earned the Outstanding Self-Help Book 2012 from the American Society of Journalists and Authors. This is Joan’s second book about senior sex; her first was Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.
Joan also has an award-winning blog about sex & aging:http://www.joanprice.com/nakedatourage.html

Coming Out is Ageless

Melanie — Wed, 09 May 2012 22:27:51 +0000

by Terri Clark, MPH, CHES
As published in the Philadelphia Gay News, 1-19-12.
“Coming out” is the term LGBT people use to describe the process of disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity to other people. It’s very often a scary and risky experience. I’m sure that most of us who have been through the process can recall the feelings of hope and fear that mingled with pure need. Though some come out in high school or college, many disclose and/or discover their sexual orientation later in life. Images in the media show young people telling their friends and family that they are gay, which often leaves the older set at a loss for examples and models.
Some people assume that there must be a “right” age for coming out. How can someone live into their adult years, no less senior adult years, and not know they identify other than straight? I was well into my adulthood at age 34 when I came out as a lesbian. Years later, I experienced another coming-out process as a bisexual person. There are many influences on an individual’s coming-out process, including ethnicity, religion and socio-cultural factors. These can both positively and negatively influence the coming-out process.
Baby boomers grew up during a time when homosexuality was considered a psychiatric disorder and morally wrong. Remember that the LGBT civil-rights movement is still rather young. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender was something you didn’t talk about openly. Just 30 years ago, sex education was fraught with lies (even more so than today) and nearly nonexistent. Conformity was more important than diversity when it came to social structures, and power, fear, shame and even violence were used to keep people in the closet.
Others, because of internalized doubt and fear, were aware of their true feelings but believed the myth that “it’s only a phase.” They hoped that by getting married and having children, they could suppress their feelings. Some of us stayed in those marriages for the sake of the children and are coming out later in life as grandparents.
Today there is increasing acceptance, especially among younger generations, for LGBT people that didn’t exist when current seniors were younger. Legislation provides some rights and protections. Organizations such as the LGBT Elder Initiative are bringing attention and support to the elders in our community. Older people are learning about, and coming to terms with, their true sexual identities.

Does it matter if you don’t come out?
For many, yes. Living in the closet is stressful and it can be emotionally taxing — especially with the fear that you may be “outed” and lose friends and family.
Many seniors seize the opportunity to come out when a life change occurs, such as the children leaving home or a spouse dying. They feel circumstances have aligned to give them the “permission” to act on their true attractions. They have an “aha” moment, maybe in conjunction with meeting a particular person of the same gender, and it all comes into focus. One man who came out at age 58 put it this way: “Finally what I always knew to be true on the inside could be reflected on the outside.”

Thinking about coming out in your senior years?
Here are a few tips:

Educate yourself. You are not alone. People discover their sexual identity and come out at all ages, for many different reasons. By understanding this, and finding examples of others who have taken a similar path, you can feel less isolated.
Find community. There are many LGBT resources for finding a supportive community. Reach out to the William Way LGBT Community Center or the LGBT Community Center Coalition of Central PA. Connecting with others and discovering the same struggles and joys creates a feeling of solidarity.
Find support. Come out initially to people who you know/think will be supportive. It is important to find friends or family members that are understanding, compassionate and, most importantly, happy about the discovery you have made. (It’s quite possible that not everyone will be supportive.) The more positive reactions you get, the better you’ll feel — and you’ll be better able to develop your confidence in coming out.

REGISTER NOW TO BOOST YOUR SENIOR SEXUALITY KNOWLEDGE!

Melanie — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 02:33:05 +0000

Registration

2nd Annual

Sexuality, Intimacy and Aging Conference

A Holistic Approach to Sexuality & Aging

September 14 and 15
Widener University, Chester, PA

Early registration is open; save money and register today!

To register online or pay by credit card, click here.

Click here for information about conference sponsorship opportunities!

Enhance your impact on the older adults you work with by learning from experts in education, therapy, and healthcare related to sexuality and aging. We’ll kick things off with an inspiring, enlightening keynote by Dennis Dailey, DSW, creator of the Circles of Sexuality Model, on
“Being Older, Being Sexual: Dirty old men and little old ladies in white tennis shoes who should know better.”

Choose from a variety of workshops to build your professional knowledge and skills:

Heat up Your Practice with Intimacy and Menopause Workshops
New Relationship Models with Advancing Age
Sexual Health Activities for Residents of Long-Term Care Facilities
HIV with Joy and Wrinkles
Sexual Intelligence: A New Vision of Success
Bridging the Age Divide: Perfect Partners
Comfortable Sex after Menopause
What’s Your BiQ?
Discrepant Desire
Supporting Older Individuals with Intellectual Disabilities

Join us Saturday to continue learning at our unique SilverSAR™ sexual attitude reassessment for professionals working with adults in mid- and later age. This training event is getting rave reviews! Spaces are limited, so complete your registration now.

Both the conference and the SilverSAR™ offer unparalleled enrichment and networking for social workers, CCRC administrators and staff, sexuality educators, sex therapists, nurses, and other professionals and students. Continuing Education Credits will be available for AASECT, NASW and APA.

Discounted lodging is available on campus. For travel/lodging information, click here.

For any other questions, email saconsortium@widener.edu or call 610-499-1378

The Widener University Center for Social Work Education is a pre-approved provider by the State Board of Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists and Professional Counselors to offer continuing education credits for social workers.

The Insitute for Graduate Clinical Psychology of Widener University is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. Widener University maintains responsibility for this program and its content.

Advisory Board Member Earns Prestigious Award from Penn State

Melanie — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 01:03:04 +0000

Congratulations to Consortium Advisory Board Member Pat Barthalow Koch, PhD, who received the Penn State University President’s Award for Engagement with Students, given to “a faculty member who goes well beyond her responsibilites as a professor to engage and encourage students, demonstrating deep caring and involvement with students’ learning.”
We are so proud of Pat!

SaferSex4Seniors.org Debuts Online

Melanie — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 13:40:32 +0000

By Melanie Davis, PhD, Consortium Co-President
A new website devoted to the sexual health of older adults is gaining enormous amounts of attention while shining a spotlight on the need for the Consortium’s work to change attitudes about sexuality and aging.
SaferSex4Seniors.org was developed by a team of sexuality educators, trainers and therapists assisted by DDB Worldwide, a global ad agency, and website developer Frank Stallone. The agency created a 30-second public service announcement for internet distribution during April, which has been designated as Sexually Transmitted Infection Awareness Month. After gaining permission to include the URL for SaferSex4Seniors.org at the end of the video, production was close to complete.
The content development team for SaferSex4Seniors.org created easy-to-read fact sheets on topics related to sexually transmitted infections, safer sex, relationships, talking with professionals about sex, and long-term care rights. The format of the site also enables visitors to ask answers, which site contributors answer online.

Amazing Response
DDB Worldwide knows how to make an impression: The agency created memorable campaigns for the Volkswagon Beetle and for Merck’s “One Less” campaign to encourage parents to have daughters immunized with the Gardisil HPV vaccine. The video DDB created shows fully clothed older adult couples engaged in sexual positions from the Kama Sutra, all set to original music. A brief safer sex message runs over the images, ending with the URL for SaferSex4Seniors.org
At mid-day Wednesday, April 11, Fast Company broke the story with an exclusive scoop, followed by a rapid wave of online press and commentary. By Saturday morning, April 14, the PSA had 322,000 views on YouTube, and the SaferSex4Seniors.org website was consistently recording 50-70 people actively on the website at any given time. More than 40 media outlets had picked up on the story. The site’s Twitter feed @ss4s_org is quickly gaining followers with the hashtag #safersex4seniors.

Lessons Learned; Mission Reinforced
Click-throughs from the video to the website show that the campaign is working with even greater success that DDB predicted. Whether due to idle curiosity or sincere need for information, people are visiting SaferSex4Seniors.org and being given the opportunity to learn more about safer sex and related topics.
It is not surprising that much of the media commentary reinforces the need for the Consortium’s work to enhance and advance the sexual health, rights and education of older adults and the professionals who serve them. The video has struck a nerve, exposing attitudes that older adult sexuality is unsavory at best. Fortunately, most of the critiques eventually come around to acknowledging the importance of the safer sex message of the video and the website. While the new campaign is not a Consortium initiative, it illustrates the importance of all of us working together toward common goals. In time, we will be closer to universal acceptance that sexuality and older age are wonderfully, beautifully compatible.

To watch the video, visit SaferSex4Seniors.og. While you’re there, visit the site’s library of FAQs or post a question for an expert on the site to answer.

Consortium’s Founder Profiled in Contemporary Sexuality

Melanie — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:00:26 +0000

Consortium founder and past-president Peggy Brick, MEd, CSE is profiled in the April 2012 edition of Contemporary Sexuality, the magazine of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. In the article, Brick describes how, as a high school history teacher, she was tapped to teach about human sexuality. She was trained by Sol Gordon and created a career that has involved lifespan sexuality education and the authorship of and contributions to countless curriculum. Today, while technically retired, Brick remains active in the field of sexuality education for adults in mid- and later age and the professionals who serve them.
Read the article starting on page 11 of Contemporary Sexuality.

Making Sexuality a Part of Urban Aging

Melanie — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 02:02:33 +0000

I recently attended the Urban Aging Conference in Philadelphia, P, which was focused on enhancing the quality of life for seniors. Accompanied by Jes Metzner, the Consortium’s administrative assistant, I was impressed by the diversity of services supporting this mission. They ranged from incontinence products to health-related care as well as housing and environment support for aging individuals. This level of attention to seniors was amazing and encouraging. One of the main messages was that seniors should not be defined by their problems and limitations. How refreshing it was to hear professionals acknowlege that with Baby Boomers quickly joining the ranks of seniors, Services for seniors will also routinely address sexuality and sex-positive thinking.

The Sexuality and Aging Consortium’s exhibit table at this event was a clear sign to all conference attendees that sexuality must be included in efforts to enhance the quality of life for older adults. Located between exhibits for high-quality incontinence products and Alzheimer support, we created quite a buzz at the conference. Some folks were reluctant to visit our table and cleverly detoured around us. Others were fascinated and wanted to hear what on earth we were doing, not quite sure if we were preventing or promoting sex. Most importantly, the professionals who visited had stories to tell about what was going on in their communities with seniors and sexuality.

We heard about spouses of Alzheimer patients wanting to have intimacy but unable to continue that aspect of their lives. We heard about Alzheimer patients falling in love with other patients and needing privacy to cuddle. We heard about seniors having sex without a condom and contracting sexually transmitted infections. We were told of facility personnell without a clue how to handle sex education for residents or how to handle the intimacy needs of residents. We heard about residents who need counseling on being gay in a predominantly straight assisted living facility. Not one organization reported having a sexuality rights policy in place.

When we think about enhancing the quality of life for those who are growing older (and let’s think of that group as anyone over 50, not just some vague vision of infirm, barely alive, “old people”), let’s always include the sexual rights of seniors. They have a right to continuing sexuality, whether they seek to receive affection; to enjoy straight or same-sex relationships; o receive up-to-date sex education and information; or to enjoy the acknowledgement that sexuality doesn’t stop at a certain age; rather, it is an integral part of who we are as human beings and how we express ourselves throughout life.

The Sexuality and Aging Consortium at Widener University is changing attitudes and the way professionals serve adults in mid- and later age. I was proud to represent the Consortium at the Urban Aging Conference with Jes, contributing to our mission.